Friday, 23 September 2016

Doomsday | Mental Health

When enough people call you crazy it's hard not to believe them...
I took a week off life. No work. No school. Just friends, fresh air, and beautiful places. I have an awful habit of keeping myself so busy with mundane activities that I become completely numb and devoid of all human feeling.

I've grown to be fairly successful with slapping a smile on my face and avoiding having people ask me 'what's wrong?'. I turn my emotions off and allow myself to be a robot because feeling nothing is easier than feeling everything. 

I've tried so hard for so long to keep this blog upbeat and happy because it seems wrong to put more negativity into the world than what already exists. But I have to be true to myself and to the people who come back continually to read this blog- it started as my online diary and that's what it will be again. The truth is, I'm not okay. 

I was diagnosed with depression and OCD when I was in the eleventh grade.
One cool September morning, shortly after six, I was woken by the piercing scream of my mother. She was screaming my fathers name. I sat up in bed and heard my brother, still in his own room, begin to stir. I stood and waited for him in the hallway and we walked down the stairs together onto the main floor. We were met by my frantic mother in the kitchen, with blood on her robe, on the phone with 9-11.

 She rushed us out the door and across the street to my aunts house where we waited as the ambulance came, collected my father, and took him away. My mom, now dressed, got in the car and followed.

My brother and I went home. Accompanied by my aunt, we got dressed and went to school, not knowing what happened and pretending like it was all just a dream. When we got home that evening, there was a woman and a man sitting in our kitchen with my mom. They were from the hospital on behalf of the Canadian Mental Health Association. They were there to explain to us that our father- the strong man we loved so much- our father broke. The scars on his neck would be a permanent reminder of the night my father tried to take his life. 

Every year at this time, my depression peaks. I remember every detail of what happened that morning and for the months following while my dad remained in the psychiatric ward of the hospital.

Every year at this time, I wait for the days to pass until Thanksgiving. That was his first day pass. He was able to leave the hospital under my moms supervision. For four hours he could come home and be thankful for his life that was spared by the Lord's grace and be surrounded by the people who love him so much that thinking of life without him is not only unbearable, but unimaginable. 
The foundation of our life cracked as soon as the blade pierced his skin. From that moment on, nothing would be the same. My dad lived. He is thriving and he is happy. But every day I am afraid. I am afraid that he will crack again and our foundation will crumble. We will be left in the ruins that mental illness leaves behind. 

I want to be happy. I really do. But it seems that every time I start to feel good, and happy, and alive my world gets knocked out of orbit and I am sent flying toward the sun at light speed, waiting to be burned. 
I'm so grateful for the people in my life that stick around. I have the greatest friends anyone could dream of having. No matter how hard I push, or how long I shut myself away in my bedroom, I always know that they are going to call and text until I answer. And if I don't answer, they sure as Hell will show up at my door and drag me out into the sunlight. They will always take me to my favourite places, reminding me to grab my camera before heading out the door. Only a few of them know what happened in September of 2011 so the majority of them are in complete darkness when it comes to my autumn craziness. But they are such perfect people and they love me so much that they stay anyways. They don't need to know what's wrong, they just care to know that I will be okay.

People like that are invaluable. No matter how hard I push they grab my hands, pull me in and hold me in their embrace, letting my tears soak their shoulder, until Thanksgiving comes and all feels right again. 

Find those friends. Everyone needs them. Everyone deserves them.

Be that friend. Someone needs you. Someone deserves you.

xo, Katie 

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Walking On Solid Ground | Quotes

When you don't have the words to describe your own emotions, seek the words of someone who has already felt them...
 
No matter what it is you're going through- good bad or in between- there is someone in this world who has lived it and survived. Take comfort in that.

xo, Katie

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Coming Up For Air | Personal: Part III

And it was in this moment that I realized he can't think for himself...
First off let me say the flowers he sent are gorgeous. However, either the text or the card is BS because in the card he wanted to work things out and be together...

But, that's beside the point.

When I said I wanted him, he said he wanted me. When I said I didn't he agreed. All of our time spent together was like this and every second was boring. It was as though he was (a) incapable of using his brain to form personal thoughts and opinions; (b) was trying to tell me everything he thought I wanted to hear; or (c) was too afraid to actually show any emotion or express a thought that differed from mine. 

After nine hours of being away, my mind was finally clear enough to tell him the truth. He's not the one. 

Obviously.

Sometimes a little girl talk with your best friend in a place that looks different than what your used to is all you need to realize that you're grossly unsatisfied. I crave passion and desire and romance. He gave me none of this. Of course, our time together was short and true love takes time to grow. But I couldn't help but feel like his secret. He never invited me to his home, never took me out in public until after dark, never introduced me to his friends, and made it very clear that we were only seeing each other. Even when I asked for more, more did not come. I tried not to let this offend me but then he lied and I lost it. 

In my world, secrets and lies are covers for hidden relationships and cheating. I never asked him if there was someone else- he'd never admit it anyway- but I can't help but feel there always was. I don't think he cheated, that's not what I'm saying. But there's a little voice scratching at the back of my head telling me that he has someone out there in the world; he has someone who couldn't know we were together. 

It took me leaving to realize that I wasn't actually leaving anything. We weren't a couple. We didn't have any pictures together. We didn't have any spectacular memories. 

We have nothing.

Together or apart my life will be exactly same. I have found comfort in knowing that God has a man out there waiting for me as I am waiting for him. I feel whole again- like I can be. My soul is healing and my heart is mending. I will continue to mourn what I wanted him to be, but I can't miss him as he was never truly who I saw.

Monday, 19 September 2016

Escape Artist | Personal: Part II

If pathetic were a person it would be me...
 
RE: last post.

Do you have to love someone to hate them? I don't fucking know.

How do you move on? I don't fucking know.

How do you cut ties? I don't fucking know.

Where is the line between when to keep trying and when to give up? I don't fucking know.

How do you find the words to really explain yourself? I don't fucking know.

How do you stop answering their texts? I don't fucking know.

When will I be okay? I don't fucking know.

It seems the only thing I do know as of late is how to make a mess of things. I feel as though my life is a black and white silent satire show from the 1920s. I'm stuck in a colourless box, making mistake after mistake, while the outside world laughs at my steady decline. I walked home from school in a thunderstorm, only for the rain to stop two blocks away from my house. 

Oh, the irony.

This morning was like any other. I woke up, got dressed, washed my face and brushed my teeth, did my hair and makeup, made my coffee and breakfast and sat at the dining room table with my laptop open, ready to check my emails. However, when I opened my email my junk box with bombarded- 176 spam messages! As I sifted through I realized they weren't spam, they were personalized! Only sent to junk because my laptop is smart enough to know it couldn't have possibly been me who requested these messages. 

After noticing that I legitimately ate cake for dinner three days in a row, my loved ones took it upon themselves to sign me up for not one, not two, but THREE DATING SITES. That's right folks, I'm more pathetic than Bridgette Jones. 

Fuck me.

It seems when left to my own devices, I could be placed in a room of a hundred men- ninety nine prince charmings and one asshole- I would choose the 1%. 

I'm nothing if not consistent.

It's hard to just let him go. If I feel so much so soon, imagine what could become of us if we had more time. But alas, time is ever fleeting and our last grain of sand has seemly fallen through our hourglass. I wish he could have been what I imagined him to be. I wish he were honest. I wish I could have been what he wanted. I wish I weren't damaged. I wish we could have been better for each other. But we are who we are and 'us' exists no longer. I'm having an unbelievably hard time letting go. He's been in my house. He's touched my skin. He's taken me places around town. Somehow everything reminds me of him. I feel like the healing process can only begin when I escape him. I need to runaway for a while.

Goodbye. 

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Rough Waters & Drowning at Sea | Personal: Part I

I came home yesterday to find roses waiting for me and was disappointed because they weren't from him...
When I was a teenager, I was never alone. From grade nine to twelve I was in a relationship and when that ended I fell in love with another man and was with him for two years. Since the end of the second relationship, I have been alone; three years of singleness. Both relationships resulted in pain. Both men hurt me in unbelievable ways.

When I was eighteen I decided I would be alone. 

I wanted to establish myself. My dreams shifted from being a stay at home mom and trophy wife to being a career woman and travelling the world. I didn't need a man to make me feel complete or to help me get through this life. I became independent and I loved that about myself. 

Enter: boy.

This summer I met someone and slowly my mind started to change. I saw my cousins and friends moving forward in their relationships and I wanted that- I wanted it with him. Being rich and successful seemed less important than the idea of decorating easter eggs with my potential children. Or sharing coffee and bible study on Sunday mornings with someone I love. I remembered why I wanted to be a stay at home mom- to be the mother I always wanted for myself. I remembered why I wanted to be the perfect wife- to love someone the way I so desperately craved love. I let my mind wander and my heart flutter and my walls started to break down. I was falling for him hard and fast. 

Trust is fragile as a butterfly wing. The problem is trust is so easily broken and once the damage is done, it can be irreparable. I set my boundaries and my limitations and I told myself that if trust was lost- if a lie was told- I would be done. My brain held on to that like vice grips, however my heart hasn't been as strong. 

My dreams have shifted because of him and it's making it so hard to keep myself from him. Forgiving him would be easy, but the time following would be unbearable for the both of us. I would be paranoid with everything he said to me, wondering what's true and what's not- afraid every step of the way that he was lying again. I don't want to be that girl. 

My solution?

If I let the future of him and I be my decision, I would run straight back into his arms. I would let myself melt in the warmth of his deep brown eyes and I would live happily ever after in my blind affection. 

But the fear of being hurt again by him is too great. So instead of letting the relationship be my decision, I made it his. I told him just enough truth to ensure he would be doubtful. My past is full of pain, and disloyalty, and deceit. My baggage is oversize and I'm fairly positive that if anyone truly knew everything about me, they'd run for the hills. I used my past to self sabotage. It's easier to cut it off now than let him hurt me again.

The problem?

I can't get him out of my mind. The way he over-enunciates the letter 't' instead of letting it get muddled in his words. The way he laughs too loudly at little things. The way his eyes crinkle at the sides when he smiles. The way his chin juts out and his jaw grows solid when he's focused. The way his eyes look so kind and innocent. 

I've gotten to the point in my life where I am independent. I will never need someone. But right now, I am so full of regret. Because... ladies, here it is... I want him. But I don't know how to love or let myself be loved. 

And I can feel him slowly slipping through my fingers.

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Discovering Colour | Haul

I wear a lot of black.

This is common knowledge to anyone who knows me- I love to wear black. It's an easy colour to wear. Black on black always matches.

My monochrome wardrobe never bothered me until others started pointing out that I have a serious aversion to colour. What really struck me was when my cousin said to me, "I've never met someone who loved the world as much as you and who notices all the colours of the Earth. Yet, you dress like you hate life."

My thought process is usually about as deep as a kiddie pool- I don't tend to read too much into things. For some reason though, this comment has been weighing on my mind since he said it to me back in June!

Alas, I have been dedicating the majority of my textile purchases this summer to items that are a touch more colourful. This is a collective haul over a couple months and from a few different stores. To be honest, I think the majority is still black... but hey; I'm trying!

Forever 21
Winners
H&M
Ricki's
Joe Fresh
Sears
Boathouse
Nothing completes a haul like some new Vans! I'm really trying with this whole 'more colour' thing- we'll see how it goes I suppose! Hope you all are enjoying the last shred of summer and are looking forward to returning to school!

Thanks for reading & check back again to see what KatieDidd, xo

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Catch of the Day! | Girly Guide to: Fishing

I love being outdoors- the sun, water, fresh air- doing activities that are less than glamorous. Mudding, hiking, sea-dooing and fishing are just a few of the outdoor summer activities I enjoy on a regular basis. If you're anything like me- outdoorsy but girly- it can be hard to balance enjoying the great outdoors while protecting your manicure!

Fear not my adventure lovin' ladies. I have a few tips and tricks to help keep you looking fresh faced and gorgeous all day while enjoying the less than beauty guru approved outdoor activities that you love!

Today I am going to focus on fishing. I love to go fishing! Being out on a boat in the sun for hours on end is enough to make me happy, but throw in the thrill of catching a fish- the fight to reel it in, that feeling in your stomach when you realize its a big one!- and you've got me hook, line and sinker. 
1. Think Pink
I like to use pink equiptment when I'm doing activities that aren't exactly feminine. I know it really doesn't make a whole lot of difference in the fishing itself. However, I think being surrounded by pink helps to keep your girly side on the surface. Also, they're all super cute!
Even my fishing rod and reel are pink! I got this rod and reel set from Bass Pro Shop about four years ago and I still love it just as much!
2. Get Girl Gloves
I would strongly suggest getting yourself a pair of fishing gloves for baiting hooks and taking off fish. Baiting hooks is just kind of gross in my opinion and slimy fish can slip out of small hands. Having a pair of fishing gloves that have grips on the fingers and palm is a life saver when trying to unhook a squirmy slimy fish with baby hands!
3. Bring a Book
Spending hours out on the lake is so relaxing but when you're not catching any fish it can get a touch boring. Bringing a book to read keeps you in the tech free, open air mindset while still providing you a little something to keep you occupied. 
4. Bring Layers
This particular day of fishing I started off with just a bikini on and ended up in this outfit. As the sun goes down and the wind picks up, it gets really chilly out on a lake! Bringing long pants and a sweater can never hurt, even if you don't end up putting them on!

I hope this post is helpful to you outdoorsy ladies who respect clean nails! Do you have any tips for fisher-women out there? Leave a comment below!

Also, let me know if there are any other Girly Guide ideas I could post about!

Thanks for reading & check back again to see what KatieDidd, xo